Tiger quotes you may have missed

Tiger said he doesn’t plan to answer any questions from reporters because this situation is between him and his wife. Actually the situation is between Tiger, his wife, several waitresses, three models, and two porn stars.
During his announcement Tiger said, “People want to know how I could be so selfish and so foolish.” Tiger said he wasn’t sure and then referred all questions to his penis.
Tiger said that after his announcement, he would be going back to rehab. Not directly. First he’s stopping in Cancun for Spring Break.
Tiger’s excited to return because he’s close to Jack Nicklaus’ all-time record. Turns out Nicklaus had 17 mistresses.
Tiger made his announcement to a handful of sympathetic friends who he’s leaned on during this crisis: Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards.
Tiger says he doesn’t plan on repeating the mistakes he’s made in the past. Then he introduced 13 new mistresses for 2010.
During the announcement Tiger said, “I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in -- except for one of my mistresses who was double-jointed.”
Before today the public hadn’t heard from Tiger Woods in 78 days. Unfortunately, when Tiger finally emerged he saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of booty calls.
The trouble isn’t over: One of Tiger’s mistresses is claiming he got her pregnant twice. Or as Tiger calls it, “a double bogey”.
For the past six weeks Tiger’s been in sex rehab in Mississippi. Unfortunately, in Mississippi sex rehab is all about getting you to stop sleeping with your cousin.
The PGA says they would have made the same special arrangements for any golfer on the PGA tour. Then they fell down and laughed for 3 hours.

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