The Gospel, according to The Donald

with help from Garrison Keillor.

Special to The Washington Post

The Lord is my shepherd. OK? Totally. Big league. He is a tremendous shepherd. The best. No comparison. I know more than most people about herding sheep. And that’s why I won the election in a landslide and it’s why my company is doing very very well. Because He said, “I’m with you, Donald. You will never want.”

So we were on this green pasture by the still waters and He said, “Lie down.” I said, “Lie down?” He said, “Lie down.” And He made me lie down. Right there in the pasture. So I lie down. People are so surprised that I lie down — “Oh, he’s lying down.” But He’s my shepherd. Great shepherd. Not just good. Great. It was right there that I thought, “This is going to be a tremendous golf course. Terrific greens. Plenty of water. And it is. Everybody who plays it comes away saying, “That is the greatest course in the entire world.” Everybody.

So He was saying to me, Blessed are the deal-makers for theirs is the kingdom. Big time. Blessed are they who scorn: for they shall be comfortable. Blessed is machismo for it wins again and again. Blessed are they who are persecuted by the dishonest press for they shall continue down the paths of righteousness and that’s what is going on here. We are bringing righteousness to Washington for the first time and making incredible progress. I’ve done more in the past month than most presidents do in a year. Washington was without form and void and I issued an executive order, “Let there be light” and did I get credit for it? No, the dishonest press said, “It hurts our eyes.” So I divided the light from the darkness. Day and night. Night and day. I did all this in two nights and a day. Under deadline, under budget. Next week we’re going to do the firmament, the waters, the dry land, start naming beasts, all the rest of it.

I tell you, I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death. The shadow of death. I have to say that. Terrible. Because of the dishonest Midianites, or, as I call them, the media, including a lot of you here in this room, writing stories about chaos. Where’s the chaos? We’ve got light and darkness, day and night. There is no chaos. I know what’s true and the level of dishonesty is unbelievable. The story about the rich man in hell and the beggar Lazarus in heaven — fake news. Totally fake. Rich man wouldn’t give him the crumbs off his table? Not true. Never happened. “What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” He never said it. Same with “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven.” Garbage. Total garbage. I am not a bad person. You don’t get to 306 electoral votes by being a bad person. So I wish you could write something nice but maybe you can’t and that’s OK, too. I can live with that because I fear no evil: for the Lord is with me; and my staff has been a great comfort to me. Tremendous people. Because I know good from bad. OK? I inherited a mess, the instability, divisiveness, darkness, iniquity, leprosy, madmen, but nonetheless the Lord has prepared a tremendous table before me in the presence of my enemies. Beautiful table. Steaks, seafood, tremendous wines, anything I want, and here I am with goodness and mercy following me every single day of my life, not just mercy but goodness too, and we’re making tremendous progress, great numbers getting bigger every day, multitudes gathering everywhere I go, touching the hem of my garment, but the media is still bitter about Hillary losing in a landslide and the Lord anointing my head with oil which people make fun of and that’s OK, let them laugh at my hair, I got 306 Electoral College votes. They said there’s no way to get 222. No way, Jose. I got 306. That’s what I call the cup running over. Filled the cup and then it ran over. The overflow was tremendous. Huge overflow. Biggest overflow ever. Fantastic. Through the ceiling. Stock market up. Good jobs. You name it. So it looks like I am going to be dwelling in the house of the Lord forever and I’m having a good time. I love this. I am having fun.

Garrison Keillor is an author, entertainer and former host of “A Prairie Home Companion.”